Total control

When I'm talking to people interested in BDSM, or when responding to a profile on a BDSM-related website, I often find myself explaining what BDSM means to me. It is a common misconception that BDSM is clear by definition, that everyone who has a certain interest in it already knows what it means. It goes that far, that some people actually believe there are rules, laws even, a kind of codex, things we all must accept in order to follow a common BDSM belief.

What BDSM is and not is

You can play with BDSM, you can explore it, but you can't come to visit it like a tourist visits a country. You can't become a member either, like in a club or a church. It's not a party, not an organization, not a society with well defined standards. And you certainly can not say you know how everything works, because everyone has a different view of BDSM and the variety of interests, views and different takes is too big. BDSM is not a destination. As a combination of letters, it has become the most commonly used tag for everything beyond vanilla.

In the last ten years I have studied BDSM, I have learned that it is more or less a shadow of our regular, western dominated vanilla society. People with all kinds of views, living lifestyles as an alternative to their normal life, enter BDSM realms in firm belief they have found a new home, a new community of their own. But in truth, regarding sexuality, BDSM hosts just everyone who doesn't feel home elsewhere. In the past couple of years, along with the rise of online possibilities, BDSM has become kind of a pond, collecting everyone who felt he/she was different, starting from kinky role players to people who base their life on dominance and submission.

BDSM is not a real acronym. It's a number of letters defining a variety of things which are not all the same. Some people confuse BDSM with SM, which has little to do with D/s. SM can be a part of D/s, but it is not the same. Another thing is that most people believe BDSM is all about sexuality. Sure, it's got to do with it. But it is not its core. The core of BDSM is dominance and submission.

If you are interested in learning some of the basic concepts BDSM combines, have a look at Wikipedia's explanation . It's one of the most solid and comprehensive ones out there. More good reads are listed in my blogroll to the right.

Dominance and submission

To me, control means an exchange of power. As a sub, you transfer the power to control you to your Dom or Domme, and that lets you always experience his or her control. It is invisible, but inevitably there. And yet, a Dom or Domme can not control you if you don't want his control to happen. Power and control are something that is given, not taken.

I often read "I want him to have total control over me". Mainly sub girls are expressing their wish to be completely controled. But what means total control? Does it mean you have no rights, no human rights, not even the slightest privacy? Does it mean you live in a cage, or have to stay at home all times? Does it mean he checks for your underwear and tells you which brand of soap to buy? Does it mean he calls every hour to see where you are and what you are doing? "Total control" is something hard to define, just because we all have a different idea of it.

So I sat down and in an attempt to define what a sub's life looks like under my control, I started out writing down a simple list of definitions.

What control means to a Dom and his sub

What it is to me:

• Yes, I as a Dom like to have control. But it is more an eminent feeling you experience, through the way we communicate, love, live life
• Control means, your Dom can give you a certain look, he can tell you something, whisper it even, and you will know what you will have to do
• Control means, you feel home in a regulated environment, where things are clearly defined and you don't have to worry too much
• Control means, you can trust me that he will never ask you for something you can not do
• Control means, you give him the right to decide over you, putting your needs and requirements behind his own, but that does not entitle him to abuse this right
• Control means, you know you are safe, because he protects you and he will stand up if someone does not treat you right
• Control means, no decision your Dom makes is irresponsible and out of proportion, or puts you in dangerous situations
• Control means a big responsibility for your Dom, and the more you trust your Dom, the more you will feel safe giving him total control over you


What it is not:

• Control does not work if I don't let you take a breath alone
• Control does not work if you can not live your life, if my demands are out of range of what you're capable of, and creating conflicts with what the rest of the world demands from you as a human being
• Control has nothing to do with removing your ability to think, to judge regular situations in daily life
• Control has nothing to do with treating you like a doormat, or disrespecting your opinions
• Control has little to do with tying a virtual leash around your neck, not letting you go anywhere, move anywhere without having to restrict your actions
• I am no control freak, checking if you put your teeth brush in the right order next to mine

There's a lot more to the topic of control, but these are corner stones, a foundation I could not live without. I think the most important part is, that total control is not abused and not misunderstood. Many Doms don't even consider the responsibility that comes with it. Or the amount of leadership, being in charge of virtually everything. If you ask a group of confident people who wants to be the boss, leading them, probably a few will apply for the job. But only real life situations can reveal who has true leadership in his blood. Dominance, in this regard, has a lot to do with natural leadership. You either have it, or not.