The Black List

Over the years chatting on IRC I have met a lot of people. Some very good friendships have emerged out of that, but unfortunately some people I met online turned out to be shallow. They betrayed my trust, lied, or simply stopped responding without any reason. And I am not alone. More and more of my friends share the same experiences.

The following is a list of names, IPs and locations (where it's known) of the scams, players, posers, fakes and wannabe-subs, -Dommes or Doms who are known to notoriously betray the trust of people talking to them:

• naughtysec, user name "naughtysec" (IP: C70A347A.4D639F36.1455CF49.IP)
• ex-mistress, user name "ex-mistress" (IP: 6862C797.9EEB600C.AD305AB0.IP)
• Abraxxas, aka SparTiCuS (IP: 1AB8E39C.313D18E3.31307038.IP, South Australia)
• kendra{} (IP: ACA05A46.7182E6E.D71B79C2.IP, name: 7687, US)
• iris_hiheels (Antwerp, Belgium)
• objectified_girl, aka kath^arina (Germany)
• female_french_maid (Netherlands)
• pet_girl_for_new_owner (France)

Total control

When I'm talking to people interested in BDSM, or when responding to a profile on a BDSM-related website, I often find myself explaining what BDSM means to me. It is a common misconception that BDSM is clear by definition, that everyone who has a certain interest in it already knows what it means. It goes that far, that some people actually believe there are rules, laws even, a kind of codex, things we all must accept in order to follow a common BDSM belief.

What BDSM is and not is

You can play with BDSM, you can explore it, but you can't come to visit it like a tourist visits a country. You can't become a member either, like in a club or a church. It's not a party, not an organization, not a society with well defined standards. And you certainly can not say you know how everything works, because everyone has a different view of BDSM and the variety of interests, views and different takes is too big. BDSM is not a destination. As a combination of letters, it has become the most commonly used tag for everything beyond vanilla.

In the last ten years I have studied BDSM, I have learned that it is more or less a shadow of our regular, western dominated vanilla society. People with all kinds of views, living lifestyles as an alternative to their normal life, enter BDSM realms in firm belief they have found a new home, a new community of their own. But in truth, regarding sexuality, BDSM hosts just everyone who doesn't feel home elsewhere. In the past couple of years, along with the rise of online possibilities, BDSM has become kind of a pond, collecting everyone who felt he/she was different, starting from kinky role players to people who base their life on dominance and submission.

BDSM is not a real acronym. It's a number of letters defining a variety of things which are not all the same. Some people confuse BDSM with SM, which has little to do with D/s. SM can be a part of D/s, but it is not the same. Another thing is that most people believe BDSM is all about sexuality. Sure, it's got to do with it. But it is not its core. The core of BDSM is dominance and submission.

If you are interested in learning some of the basic concepts BDSM combines, have a look at Wikipedia's explanation . It's one of the most solid and comprehensive ones out there. More good reads are listed in my blogroll to the right.

Dominance and submission

To me, control means an exchange of power. As a sub, you transfer the power to control you to your Dom or Domme, and that lets you always experience his or her control. It is invisible, but inevitably there. And yet, a Dom or Domme can not control you if you don't want his control to happen. Power and control are something that is given, not taken.

I often read "I want him to have total control over me". Mainly sub girls are expressing their wish to be completely controled. But what means total control? Does it mean you have no rights, no human rights, not even the slightest privacy? Does it mean you live in a cage, or have to stay at home all times? Does it mean he checks for your underwear and tells you which brand of soap to buy? Does it mean he calls every hour to see where you are and what you are doing? "Total control" is something hard to define, just because we all have a different idea of it.

So I sat down and in an attempt to define what a sub's life looks like under my control, I started out writing down a simple list of definitions.

What control means to a Dom and his sub

What it is to me:

• Yes, I as a Dom like to have control. But it is more an eminent feeling you experience, through the way we communicate, love, live life
• Control means, your Dom can give you a certain look, he can tell you something, whisper it even, and you will know what you will have to do
• Control means, you feel home in a regulated environment, where things are clearly defined and you don't have to worry too much
• Control means, you can trust me that he will never ask you for something you can not do
• Control means, you give him the right to decide over you, putting your needs and requirements behind his own, but that does not entitle him to abuse this right
• Control means, you know you are safe, because he protects you and he will stand up if someone does not treat you right
• Control means, no decision your Dom makes is irresponsible and out of proportion, or puts you in dangerous situations
• Control means a big responsibility for your Dom, and the more you trust your Dom, the more you will feel safe giving him total control over you


What it is not:

• Control does not work if I don't let you take a breath alone
• Control does not work if you can not live your life, if my demands are out of range of what you're capable of, and creating conflicts with what the rest of the world demands from you as a human being
• Control has nothing to do with removing your ability to think, to judge regular situations in daily life
• Control has nothing to do with treating you like a doormat, or disrespecting your opinions
• Control has little to do with tying a virtual leash around your neck, not letting you go anywhere, move anywhere without having to restrict your actions
• I am no control freak, checking if you put your teeth brush in the right order next to mine

There's a lot more to the topic of control, but these are corner stones, a foundation I could not live without. I think the most important part is, that total control is not abused and not misunderstood. Many Doms don't even consider the responsibility that comes with it. Or the amount of leadership, being in charge of virtually everything. If you ask a group of confident people who wants to be the boss, leading them, probably a few will apply for the job. But only real life situations can reveal who has true leadership in his blood. Dominance, in this regard, has a lot to do with natural leadership. You either have it, or not.

The art of looking without looking

Going through ads of some of the various dating websites out there, it continues to amaze me how many people are looking for something they are officially not looking for.

Take collarme.com, a newcomer on the lane slowly surpassing alt.com and bondage.com, for an example. Because I'm only interested in girls, I can only tell about girls profiles, but every second or third one I open says "I am not really looking".

Why are you here then? People have these exaggerated expectations about dating websites, without admitting it. Women putting up a profile on a dating site seem to be taken by surprised that many men will answer them. Sure, there is a high number of dumb asses who don't even read her profile, send out mass letters without thinking twice about what she might think about that. But still, if you put up a profile, you shouldn't be surprised if someone looks at it and wants to get in touch with you.

I can only imagine what it must be like being female, entering the online dating space. I have a vivid imagination of the crap you have to deal with, that huge amount of emails a girl will get in the first minutes even after she published her profile. Going through those emails, encountering that most of them are plain bullshit, fakes, people being dishonest, playing, acting, telling nothing about themselves and expecting her to reveal everything, at once, instantly.

So what is her reaction? Retreat and self defense. She becomes frustrated first, suspicion follows. And she starts acting bitchy. Every guy, not only those who can’t think twice, will come to feel that tone of voice. It's all like "sorry, but I had to waste so much time going through all this bullshit of you guys".

But this is not going to make things better. It is not going to change behavior of those fake Doms and 18 year old wannabe "Masters". It is not going to make things better or easier for those who are seriously interested, making an honest attempt to get in touch with someone. It is not going to lead to any results. In the end, it will lead to a dumpster filled up with frustration, on all sides. Which is basically the reason why there are so many profiles alike already, with virtual barb wire around them and "We shoot everything that moves" signs all over the place.

I don't think anyone ever is really not looking. People who are married are still looking. Yes, they might not be looking for a new partner, so the question is what people are looking for when they don’t need a new partner. People entering the BDSM blurb are most definitely looking for something, otherwise they wouldn't go online to do research, to find others alike, to seek exchange and feel home with their despair, their longing, craving and questions. If you ask them, they'll all claim how easy they take this all and that they are not really looking for anything but chat, entertainment, or some time out.

But in reality, we all are looking for something. We are looking for luck. For fulfillment. For completion. For fun too, sure. We are asking ourselves: Am I the only one feeling this way? Am I weird or what? We are looking for confidence in others. For similar experiences.

And by entering the realms of BDSM online, on IRC, attending chat rooms, looking at informative websites, reading ads on dating sites, we are ready to accept the fact that we might never ever find what we are looking for. Yet the sparks of what we found already have been so inviting, so compelling and overwhelmingly convincing, that we must go on.
So we pursue with our quest, to find what we were not looking for.

The true identity of Alter Ego

Welcome to my blog. I am Alter Ego, and this is the nickname for my alter ego. There is no other identity to it. It is just a reference to the fact I can not reveal my true identity here, because I am dominant, or Dom, as classified by BDSM terminology.

Perhaps some of you agree that BDSM is not really the best ice breaker on parties, unless it is one where everyone is wearing a t-shirt that says "I am sub" or "I am Dom". Others may say "Why not? We live in the 21st century. Everyone should have the freedom to show his/her interests!"

But you have to realize that not all of us live in the same space and time bubble. Reality has many faces, and as human beings we have learned to divide between fantasy and reality. If our regular society is the reality, well, BDSM must be fantasy, right? Sometimes I wish it was that simple.

BDSM is an insider topic. It is something you simply don't get when you hear about it for the first time. After studying it for so many years, I still learn about it every day. It is not an exclusive field, disclosed to anyone but a few enlightened ones. But it does require some research before you really can come beyond a stage of vague assumptions and simplifying concepts.

Prejudice and misconceptions are just one side of the problem. In my personal case, my heritage and reputation in business and among friends and family would seriously suffer if I would reveal my true identity here.

I can't change the fact people have a narrow mind and some people don't accept that we all have various choices for living our life. There's not one way only, dictated by an outdated society model, kind of a second coming of fifties home-and-family values, floating on a new wave of prudery.

Yes, I'm harsh with the vanilla world, but I don't think it's without reason. I love the word vanilla. It describes so aptly what people who follow an BDSM interest classified, again, as bland and colorless, sweet but simple -- the very opposite of what makes life exciting. Vanilla is a nice taste, but it's not hot. Nobody hates vanilla. But I don't believe anyone has a deep craving for vanilla either.

Now, chocolate, that is a different matter. Aside of the few people who don't like chocolate, particularly among women (throw your stones here now) -- do you know a single woman who doesn't crave chocolate?

Those of you who like chocolate most likely also love sex. I know, also vanilla people like sex. We all do, right? We wouldn't be normal if we wouldn't want sex, because we all have been taught we have to love it, no matter how bland and tasteless it can be.

Millions of you linger and float aimlessly in your vanilla marriages, never exposing an alter ego of your mind, your delicate and most deliciously wicked thoughts. You wouldn't dream showing your partners even the slightest glimpse of what is going on in your brain when you let it explore your innermost fantasies. And yet, the fire is burning inside. While not everyone of you might have the worst sex-life, initiated with the precision of a clockwork once a week, with turned off lights, clean sheets soaking your sweat while you're getting over with it; I can almost grant you there is not a single married woman or man out there who never had a fantasy, we have just trained ourselves to suppress them.

We are more than one and nobody should reduce us to just one single aspect of our personality. We live life as growing beings, changing and learning constantly. We are exploring many facets of interests. Even the darkest or cheeriest, coyest or most assertive ones among us, aren't shy to live out their individuality to the fullest. Individuality is a contradiction in itself: What defines us as individuals is the complexity of our personal evolution. It is what ties us into a single person that separates us one from another.

This blog is my personal place for thoughts and learnings. Call it a public notebook, a repository for my thoughts, to be shared with others and perhaps an egocentric hub for reflections of my anima, which is latin for soul. It also is the heritage of animal.

Take my Alter Ego as a little trick, a provisory workaround solution, until society has changed its mind and started accepting the fact that in the bottom of our soul, we all live by our genes, allured by pheromones, driven by craves, haunted by desires and we all are more than what we show.